Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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