new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
