Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
time to smoke my breakfast
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
