Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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