I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It was confusing and full of hummus
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.