i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
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That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
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He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated