I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
