In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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