quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
