You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
