so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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