when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
