Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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