What a fucking waste of an outfit
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
