Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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