i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
