All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He has the fingertips of a God
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