the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
