She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
