boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
