Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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