i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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