i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
