She is in my trunk
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Randomize
