just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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