I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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