You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
