i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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