No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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