You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
