i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
