you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
