last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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