This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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