it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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