I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
