its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How does one acquire holy water?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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