he wants to bone in the snuggie
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
