Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
