By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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