someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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