took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
