do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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