Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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