i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
