I'm jealous of your bromance
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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