Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
