Barsexuality is the new black.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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