my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize