She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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