Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
