we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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