Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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