last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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