Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
